Phil Jenkins

Day 4 on the BANG..

A mega hilly session around the lanes of Carmarthen with the big man who is suffering from dodgy left pedal syndrome and also an acute case of skippy gears leading to bruised kahunas as a result of several sudden impacts with the top bar on the frame...ouch!

Salvation at the Iechyd Da?

It is hoped that THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS will rise from the dead of Llanmiloe Social like a phoenix from the ashes of dissolution.

We hope to be delivered into the friendly, warm hands of Iechyd Da.

3 or 4 songs never heard before in Jacksons Lane.

Cafe Iechyd Da - a great place to try out a few new songs.

Thursday, August 25th 7p.m. and on.

Llanmiloe stole our Mojo

Yesterday afternoon was Gala Day at Llanmiloe social club complete with Live music, BBQ, face-painting and bring and buy sale.

Due to the mildly inclement weather it was amongst the aforementioned bring and buyers that we found ourselves. Setting up in the main hall instead of the packed bar as we were told that "the crowd wanted to watch the football after the rugby international has finished".

Upon arrival clad in our tradmark dungarees and old timey check shirts we were what can only be described as `stared` out by a number of locals and while setting up I was asked by one youngster, "what have you come as?" to which I answered "Grandpa f**king Walton".

The Big Man had pre-warned me that his three previous dates here had all fallen flat and that there was little atmosphere to be expected. He also confessed to having once cleared the room by the 3rd song.

I should have heeded his wise words and perhaps taken him up on an earlier offer to `pull out due to health reasons` but I was feeling good and said I want to do it and genuinley thought that Llanmiloe could do with a blast of old timey. How wrong can one be.....

We started with a couple of up tempo numbers and it was clear from the outset that it just wasn't going to happen today. Kids all over the place driving their `new` bring and buy remote control cars at our sandal clad feet and one stall had a huge colletion of inflatable instruments and animals which meant that we had within minutes of starting a 10 piece inflatable backing band consisting of guitars, saxaphones and SEAGULLS behind us for the entire set but at least it made the parents of those involved at least look our way if not clap.

After 4 or 5 numbers Ian Frog, Iannis and their children arrived and we took a short break but not before I played an imprtomtu round of that favorite radio 4 show `one song to the tune of another` (I'm sorry I haven't a clue) when I started singing the words of Deep Elem Blues to the tune of something completly different (Get Along Home Cindy). What Joy... The situation was recovered not that anyone other than Andy or I really noticed...

Frog and Iannis then took to their feet and let rip with a couple of Irish numbers including `tell me ma` and `whiskey in the jar`. At one point I could see one woman sitting in the hall shaking her head as if to say `no, enough is enough. What are you lot doing here?` it did wonders for the confidence.

Iannis and Ian's set ended with the Boyzone version of that classic `when you say nothing at all` to which the assembled crowd didn`t go nuts at all. I guess that they must have been in a state of mild shock at seeing four fat blokes two wearing dungarees and two looking like mildly obese biblical characters (Iannis - Fat Jesus and Ian - rotund John the Baptist) singing late 90's boyband pop.

By this time we'd really gone to work on the crowd and the numbers were dwindling fast with tables being cleared and being packed away at a rate of knots.

During our second interval Andy looked at the clock, `6pm we've got 30mins left to clear the place he` muttered.

The `other` song book came out in a deveation from gigs of late and we decided on a few Stereophonics numbers and some more rockier tunes but Llanmiloe was having none of it. Not a single ripple of a clap was heard all night. Again the big man looks at me `13mins left`.

Stuck in the Middle followed by a drawn out Fulsom Prison blues and the big hand has reached the six and were opening the back door and unplugging gear before taking our instruments off.

We laugh at the thought of what has just happened most of the way home and can't believe the complete lack of atmosphere in the place. We actually played pretty well. Andy says that we could do with another gig just to wash the thought of what has just happened from us. We need a cleansing gig. I decide that Llanmiloe Gala stole our Mojo and that a restoritive chinese take away and a couple of glasses of wine is in order and off home I go still in a state of disbelief of what has gone before.

Still £100 in the charity bag...

Pictured left is a bearded Cretan from Penyfan, Llanelli with the legendary Glyn Davies belting out Green Green Grass as only Glyn can do!
Porkpie

Probably too much and a bit un-PC for the blog?

This weeks caption competition saw entries from all over the globe;

There were hundreds and hundreds of fantastic suggestion and unfortunately we cannot print them all!

The editorial team have chosen the top 5 as follows;

1. After a drink and drug fuelled few days, George Michael looked and sounded a little worse for wear. (O. Beese, Fat Camp, Texas)

2. "iiiiii-iii amm a mannnnn of constant sorr...ehem sorry bois can we start again?" (P. Rob-Lee Happened, Caerphilly)

3. By inserting his finger Pork Pie Phil thought he might reach that high note....he of course didn't, but he did enjoy it. (Will Tryanything / Tobie Goode, Sydney)

4. The promotional stills for 'Rain Man 2: The Retard Records' came out just as planned. (Jesus Christ, Heaven)

5. After months of Slimmers World, Porky finally gave up and commiserated by releasing a cover of Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' entitled 'Eat It'... (Roly Poly, Sandwich, UK)

Always look on the sunny side of the street!

After an age of discussing pipe diameters and lengths (150m) and all the old boys in the Water Board Phil came up with this:

Major Discussion Points:

1. Cwmoernant Res

2. Roman Resevoirs of the 1st Century B.C.

3. Roman Resevoirs of the 2nd Century A.D.

4. Compare and Contrast points 2 and 3.

5. Cwm Tawel Water Works (just passed the timber yard)

6. Capel Dewi Plant

7. Bryngwyn H.Q.

8. Cost of 10mm pipes

9. Harmony 3rds and 5ths

10. Shamonci bass lines

NORTH CORNELLY - OCTOBER GIG

OCTOBER GIG

Live Music

The Two Fat Cyclist will be appearing live at the Llanmiloe Gala Day, Llanmiloe Social Club next Saturday August 20th between 4 and 6.30 p.m. Songs galore in aid of Canolfan Plant Sir Gar.

Recording at the D-SYS sound solutions studio in Carmarthen. The Two Fat Cyclists are pictured warbling classically some old timey songs in the best possible fashion.

Hopefully when they play live next people will be very drunk.

Phil is seen crooning one out in his own inimitable style.

Classic tale of a groom running out on his wife with her best friend - Drive By Truckers - My Sweet Annette

Whiskey In My Whiskey - miserable song by the Felice Brothers, about a man who accidentally puts some whiskey in his already full glass of whiskey. He then dances uncontrollably and falls in love with his shadow. It all happened in 1844.

Codeine or 3-methylmorphine (a natural isomer of methylated morphine, the other being the semi-synthetic 6-methylmorphine) is anopiate used for its analgesic, antitussive, and antidiarrheal properties. Codeine is the second-most predominant alkaloid in opium, at up to 3 percent; it is much more prevalent in the Iranian poppy (Papaver bractreatum), and codeine is extracted from this species in some places although the below-mentioned morphine methylation process is still much more common. It is considered the prototype of the weak to midrange opioids. It is also a song by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit.

Decisions

Debating what songs to record. Leapy Lee's 'Little Arrows'!

Slim Francis goes recording at D-Sys Sound Solutions, Carmarthen www.D-SYS.co.uk

Gig Announcement

The Green Acres, North Cornelly - Oct 22nd - UNCLE LYNDON AND THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS

New mobile PA system for the TFC - Chicago here we come..

The TFC travelled to deepest Solihull yesterday to purchase a new lightweight, portable PA system for future gigs and also our Chicago to New York cycle and gig fest next March.
The Bear was keen to purchase a new PA and was looking at a brand new Fender Passport system which all locks together, weighs and is the same size as a family suitcase. However the new ones were retailing for around £875. Porkpie suggests a search of Ebay and lo and behold, a 500 watt version in mint condition is up for sale and after a short bidding war goes to us for just £275.






The bidding over on Friday afternoon and the TFC and on the road at 6.30am Saturday morning to collect the system off Fatima who is in the middle of Ramadam, or as The bear refers to it, Rama-lam-a Ding-dong.

We arrive at 9.15am and ask to try out the kit which fails to power up.

With shaky hands the fuse in the plug is changed, followed by a second kettle power lead but no joy. We're gutted and are about to leave for the long journey home PA less when Edwardakis says with his best cheepo Wilkinsons reading glasses on the end of his nose "what's this? is it a fuse? I can't see". A seperate fuse in the kit is located along with its spare which I change over and BINGO we're on. it works and its loud.

Edwards get his girly-man purse out and money changes hands and we're back in the car heading back to S Wales with our new touring PA on the back seat with thoughts turning to gigs in Chicago and the Big Apple.

Phil Porkpie Jenkins

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