Boxing Day Blues

TFC had to postpone the 'till our fingers bleed' gig at The Fountain Inn, Laugharne due to illnesses within the entourage.


With talk of a century of songs chloroseptic Phil was initially full of the xmas spirit until the dreaded man flu hit. 'Top of the bill' Phil out, Uncle Lyndons' proclamation to the awaiting press, 'sorry mate, I had the start of a cold Friday and its shifted gears on me last nite, result = no voice, hence can't help', the plug was pulled - the 'till our fingers bleed' gig was off!

So it was left to a fat uke player and a wookie of a mandolin stroker to fight the good fight on behalf of the charity and the good name of 'The Two Fat Cyclists'. 


Using Brian Eno as a driving force, 'One of the interesting things about having little musical knowledge is that you generate surprising results sometimes; you move to places you wouldn't if you knew better.' 

Decisions were taken and it was thought best not to stray too close to the lager-fuelled rugby club. So the wookie went north and the fat uke player drew the curtains and hid.

In the words of the great Brian Eno I leave you with these thoughts, 

'I believe that singing is the key to long life, a good figure, a stable temperament, increased intelligence, new friends, super self-confidence, heightened sexual attractiveness and a better sense of humor.'

And as the great Keith Richards said: 

'If you don't know the blues... there's no point in picking up the guitar and playing rock and roll or any other form of popular music.'

Charity CD of 'Dogging in Kenfig' and 'The Strongbow Song' £5 available from any disreputable record shop or at any gig!

PENDINE POLAR BEAR PLUNGE 2012

£917 raised for Carmarthenshire Children's Centre

Charity Music Night

Charity Music Night

TONIGHT, NOV 26th LIVE AT 


THE ROYAL OAK, KENFIG HILL


CHARITY MUSIC NIGHT


THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS AND UNCLE LYNDON


8 p.m. till late 


with many guest appearances throughout the night from all corners of the world including Cardigan!

Pendine Polar Bear Plunge 2011

Sunday, Dec18^th

Registration/Meet at The Point Cafe

Meet: 11  a.m.

Swim to Start: 11.45 a.m.

In Aid of the:

Carmarthenshire Children’s Centre,

Glangwili Hospital

Sponsorship forms available from:

The Point Café

The Springwell Inn

The Beach Hotel

 Green Bridge Inn

The Pit Stop

Marsh Stores

The Post Office

and online at www.pendineonline.org

DOWNLOAD SPONSOR FORM HERE

Trip Explorer Central Park, USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground

Trip Explorer Central Park, USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground:

'via Blog this'

Trip Explorer Pittsburgh Allegheny Co., USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground

Trip Explorer Pittsburgh Allegheny Co., USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground:

'via Blog this'

Trip Explorer Chicago Midway, USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground

Trip Explorer Chicago Midway, USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground:

'via Blog this'

Trip Explorer Chicago Midway, USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground

Trip Explorer Chicago Midway, USA : Weather Underground : Weather Underground:

'via Blog this'

The Sporting Chance, Red Roses

Peter and Jackie Adams have offered the use of The Sporting Chance, Red Roses to raise money for Carmarthenshire Children's Centre. Friday, December 9th - Two Fat Cyclists and Uncle Lyndon will perform an american style set of tunes that will get feet tapping with the occasional sing song and non stop dancing. As usual the more the crowd drink the better the music will be! A sit down buffet will be on offer -£10 a ticket. All proceeds to the charity.

http://www.thechance.plus.com/

The youtube phenomenon that is the garage music scene of Pencoed - 268 views!

Darren and Lyndi at the Greenacres

'Oh What A Night' - or more like - 'Oh What A Weekend' - On tour with The Two Fat Cyclists & Uncle Lyndon

This weekend saw the Two Fat Cyclists & Uncle Lyndon doing back to back shows on Friday & Saturday nights.

Friday saw us `rocking` Gilberts Cafe in Pendine to celebrate the achievments of Michelle Gardner and Friends who recently completed a trek in the mountains of France in aid of the breast cancer unit at Prince Phillip Hospital, and also the ending of Dave and Michelle's tenure at Gilberts cafe.

We had a great night with Unlce Lyndon (I've got 20 years experience in this business) treating the crowd after downing a dozen cans of Hereford's finest fizzy canned apple juice to some duelling banjos, The Strongbow Song (a eulogy to cider drinking based on the melody by James Blunt in you're beautiful), as well as the crowd pleaseing, Dogging in Kenfig (a song about a man who goes for a walk at Sker beach followed by a swift pint at the Prince, Kenfig and wishes he hadn't) and also a yodelling Jim Reeves number.

A couple more cans of the electric lemonade in the back of the VW and we hit the hay in anticipation of the bigger gig ahead.

An earlyish brunch with Sue and Andy and then home to prepare for the evening.


We arrived at the Green Acres in North Cornelly at around 6.30pm managed a quick soundcheck and set up the room with Aunty Fran and Mandy just before the crowds started turning up.

(Andy Edwards - Pre Gig Nerves)

After everyone had arrived and the customary chicken and chips supper we hit the crowd with 12 up tempo numbers as ordered by Uncle `I've got 25+years in this business` Lyndon Williams.


(Daisy Duke - Jan Jenkins)









(Mr Sean `Something for the Gentlemen` Morris)

During the interval we had a great raffle and quiz that was only marred by a single incident which revolved around one question about the duration of the NFL season that was challenged repeatedly by members of the Rachel Williams pose`. After some swift negotiation amongst the committee and the consulting of various iPhone holders we agreed to accept the posee's answer if only to avert a fatwa' being issued by the Kenfig Hill and District Fatwa Council.


The arrival of Mr `Brokeback Mountain` Morris and Laura `I can`t believe I'm on the pop again `Howells - complete with understated inflatable horses)


On to the second set and `more upbeat and keeping giving it to em' was ordered by `I've been in this business for 29 and 1/2 years` Lyndon Williams.

Another dozen songs and the crowd were rocking and on their feet and we even managed a couple of encores before calling it a day (always leaving them wanting more - Lyndon Williams circa 285mg/l blood alcohol level). However Mike the Acres (Owner) was having none of it and asked if we could accomodate flambouyant local hair designer Darren, AKA `Sharron Loves u' cock`. Uncle Lyndon, always one to accomodate anyone from alternativley orientatated sexual groups was right back into it and plugged backin and `banged` out a couple of quick ones including mustang sally, don't let your son go down on me and only you (Yazoo) to the crowds utter enjoyment.


A great weekend with around £500 in the bag for the charity.

Next up for us is the Royal Oak Kenfig Hill (November) and Pyle and Kenfig Golf Club (January)

Thanks to all who supported us and see you all next time

Phil (Pork Pie) Jenkins

Gilbert's Cafe

Two Fat Cyclists start a weekend of gigs, raising money for the charity. Friday, October 21st - Gilbert's Cafe, Pendine - Private Party. Saturday, October 22nd - The Greenacres, North Cornelly

Caffi Iechyd Da - September

One Fat Cyclist One Thin Cyclist

Phil broke a finger nail on the strings ooh nasty!

'Did you really try to touch up Jenny, Neil?

Trying to read, sing, keep de-stresed, stay thin and play a guitar all at the same time - I am a HERO!

'I think Phil has gone wrong, what chord is he playing now?'

WINTER CHALLENGE 2012

We are 21 weeks away from flying out to Chicago to attempt 7 century bike rides in 7 days with the added challenge of completing as many gigs in Chicago and New York as possible.

Dr Dave in search of sciatica!

I have been off the bike for nearly 3 weeks and any training that had been built up has now gone. I have suffered with extreme osteo-arthritis in the knee with the accompanying sciatica and sleepless nights.

Acupuncture, blood cupping, cod liver oil tablets, glucosamin and chondroitin tablets and three tablespoons of apple cider vinegar a day seem to have helped and tonight I hit the track for a 10 mile time trial in Carmarthen with my buddy, Phil who has also been suffering from various ailments (that's for him to discuss).

Go Pro 1st Attempt at Video

Cycling back to Pendine from Red Roses. 

Too much road in frame but learning all the time!

News Flash

Henry Jones arrived back at Pendine today following Englands dismal display against the French in their quarter final match at the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand. Jones, 46 who is a world leader in sales bullshit had hoped to lay low in the seaside resort in an attempt to avoid multi-dimensional ribbing from his Welsh associates. His plan was scuppered however when local hacks spotted the hairy blonde toff exiting his playboy VW Sirocco Coupe at his in-laws residence this afternoon.

It is thought that the bleached folicle-meister will stay until he has cleared his in laws larder and the contents of their new American style fridge and gained at least 12lbs in bulk ahead of his next big pressure sales campaign which involves the targeting of senile pensioners who wet themselves who Jones thinks need software that alerts them to media articles about them and their friends.

VIKING CHALLENGE 2011

CHICAGO TO NEW YORK

Objectives: to raise awareness and raise money for the charity, Carmarthenshire Children’s Centre/ Canolfan Plant Sir Gar 

The Two Fat Cyclists would like to announce a once in a lifetime challenge that will fulfil a dream for the two lardy boys. Whereas the challenge is not exactly a 'spur of the moment' thought it has been concocted in a crazy moment of madness: 


To cycle from Chicago to New York in a  week - a 750 mile trip that will be done in six days. On top of the cycle challenge, it is anticipated that the TFC will play at various pubs and open mic nights throughout the trip.

Thursday, March 8^th – fly to Chicago, CHICAGO to NEW YORK cycle 750 miles in 6 days

Friday, March 9^th UNCLE LYNDON and THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS play CHICAGO

1930 hrs performance at The Candlelite Bar  http://www.candlelitechicago.com/

Saturday March 10^th WALES v ITALY, Six Nations – After Game Gig - UNCLE LYNDON and THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS play CHICAGO,

P.M.performance at The Fado Irish Pub  http://www.fadoirishpub.com/chicago/home 

Sunday March 10^th – Friday March 16^th Cycle Chicago to New York 8-10 hours per day (100-150 miles per day) with gigs being organised in Columbus, Ohio and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Saturday March 17^th WALES v FRANCE after match gig UNCLE LYNDON and THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS at Welsh pub in NEW YORK

Monday March 19^th – Return home

THE U.S. TEAM:

Andy Edwards, Fat Cyclist, Fat Bass Player, Backing Vocals

Phil Jenkins, Fat Cyclist, Fat Guitar, Lead Vocals

Henry Jones, Driver, Skinny Support Cyclist, Mandolin

Lyndon Williams, Driver, Guitar, Lead Vocals

Gethin Jones, Driver, Short Support Cyclist, Backing Vocals, Spoon Apprentice

The Return Of The Pendine Snot Monster

It all started so well. A blast with the Big Man AKA Andy `Mucus-man` Edwards out from Carmarthen to Llanstephan and back with the target of doing the windy 17 miles in under an hour. From the off the big man was truly 'on the bang' pushing hard on a big chain ring. I was blowing hard just to keep up. After the first 3 miles I managed to get on his rear wheel and thought here's my chance for a quick breather. Then it all started... The Snot Monster came out to play. The twelve bore nostrils had an initial blast out, followed by a good chest cleansing, some indiscriminent spitting and a final double nasal barrel salvo.

I of course being tight behind caught most of it.

I decided quickly after this that the safest place was up front and I bust a gut to get ahead.

Fortunatly there were some hills ahead and I managed to stay out of range of the nasal armoury and any collateral damage.

As we got back on to the flatter roads on the way back the big man powered past me again but fortunately by this point the rain was hammering down and any further nasal phlegm bombs or chest shrapnel would be quickly washed off..

The round trip done in an hour and one minute. But taking into account the multiple traffic light stops total ride time was 58 mins.. Job done.

Pencoed Garage Music Scene

Slowly, very slowly becoming a You Tube phenomenon 151 views since June 25th 2011 and one comment!
'When i searched for garage music, i didnt actually mean in a garage!'

07fordweaverb 1 month ago

Phil Jenkins (5)

Phil Jenkins (5): "Hot and sweaty after a solo 30 miler this morning. The big man cried off with sore finger tips and fatigue after yesterdays wind and rain soaked outing and gigging with his side project Dai Rees and the Killers last night which is who he plays with when not being 3/4 of The Two Fat Cyclists."

I Hear Them All - Caffi Iechyd Da Aug 2011

Apologies for the videoing. 

I put it on a table and hoped for the best!

Phil Jenkins

Day 4 on the BANG..

A mega hilly session around the lanes of Carmarthen with the big man who is suffering from dodgy left pedal syndrome and also an acute case of skippy gears leading to bruised kahunas as a result of several sudden impacts with the top bar on the frame...ouch!

Salvation at the Iechyd Da?

It is hoped that THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS will rise from the dead of Llanmiloe Social like a phoenix from the ashes of dissolution.

We hope to be delivered into the friendly, warm hands of Iechyd Da.

3 or 4 songs never heard before in Jacksons Lane.

Cafe Iechyd Da - a great place to try out a few new songs.

Thursday, August 25th 7p.m. and on.

Llanmiloe stole our Mojo

Yesterday afternoon was Gala Day at Llanmiloe social club complete with Live music, BBQ, face-painting and bring and buy sale.

Due to the mildly inclement weather it was amongst the aforementioned bring and buyers that we found ourselves. Setting up in the main hall instead of the packed bar as we were told that "the crowd wanted to watch the football after the rugby international has finished".

Upon arrival clad in our tradmark dungarees and old timey check shirts we were what can only be described as `stared` out by a number of locals and while setting up I was asked by one youngster, "what have you come as?" to which I answered "Grandpa f**king Walton".

The Big Man had pre-warned me that his three previous dates here had all fallen flat and that there was little atmosphere to be expected. He also confessed to having once cleared the room by the 3rd song.

I should have heeded his wise words and perhaps taken him up on an earlier offer to `pull out due to health reasons` but I was feeling good and said I want to do it and genuinley thought that Llanmiloe could do with a blast of old timey. How wrong can one be.....

We started with a couple of up tempo numbers and it was clear from the outset that it just wasn't going to happen today. Kids all over the place driving their `new` bring and buy remote control cars at our sandal clad feet and one stall had a huge colletion of inflatable instruments and animals which meant that we had within minutes of starting a 10 piece inflatable backing band consisting of guitars, saxaphones and SEAGULLS behind us for the entire set but at least it made the parents of those involved at least look our way if not clap.

After 4 or 5 numbers Ian Frog, Iannis and their children arrived and we took a short break but not before I played an imprtomtu round of that favorite radio 4 show `one song to the tune of another` (I'm sorry I haven't a clue) when I started singing the words of Deep Elem Blues to the tune of something completly different (Get Along Home Cindy). What Joy... The situation was recovered not that anyone other than Andy or I really noticed...

Frog and Iannis then took to their feet and let rip with a couple of Irish numbers including `tell me ma` and `whiskey in the jar`. At one point I could see one woman sitting in the hall shaking her head as if to say `no, enough is enough. What are you lot doing here?` it did wonders for the confidence.

Iannis and Ian's set ended with the Boyzone version of that classic `when you say nothing at all` to which the assembled crowd didn`t go nuts at all. I guess that they must have been in a state of mild shock at seeing four fat blokes two wearing dungarees and two looking like mildly obese biblical characters (Iannis - Fat Jesus and Ian - rotund John the Baptist) singing late 90's boyband pop.

By this time we'd really gone to work on the crowd and the numbers were dwindling fast with tables being cleared and being packed away at a rate of knots.

During our second interval Andy looked at the clock, `6pm we've got 30mins left to clear the place he` muttered.

The `other` song book came out in a deveation from gigs of late and we decided on a few Stereophonics numbers and some more rockier tunes but Llanmiloe was having none of it. Not a single ripple of a clap was heard all night. Again the big man looks at me `13mins left`.

Stuck in the Middle followed by a drawn out Fulsom Prison blues and the big hand has reached the six and were opening the back door and unplugging gear before taking our instruments off.

We laugh at the thought of what has just happened most of the way home and can't believe the complete lack of atmosphere in the place. We actually played pretty well. Andy says that we could do with another gig just to wash the thought of what has just happened from us. We need a cleansing gig. I decide that Llanmiloe Gala stole our Mojo and that a restoritive chinese take away and a couple of glasses of wine is in order and off home I go still in a state of disbelief of what has gone before.

Still £100 in the charity bag...

Pictured left is a bearded Cretan from Penyfan, Llanelli with the legendary Glyn Davies belting out Green Green Grass as only Glyn can do!
Porkpie

Probably too much and a bit un-PC for the blog?

This weeks caption competition saw entries from all over the globe;

There were hundreds and hundreds of fantastic suggestion and unfortunately we cannot print them all!

The editorial team have chosen the top 5 as follows;

1. After a drink and drug fuelled few days, George Michael looked and sounded a little worse for wear. (O. Beese, Fat Camp, Texas)

2. "iiiiii-iii amm a mannnnn of constant sorr...ehem sorry bois can we start again?" (P. Rob-Lee Happened, Caerphilly)

3. By inserting his finger Pork Pie Phil thought he might reach that high note....he of course didn't, but he did enjoy it. (Will Tryanything / Tobie Goode, Sydney)

4. The promotional stills for 'Rain Man 2: The Retard Records' came out just as planned. (Jesus Christ, Heaven)

5. After months of Slimmers World, Porky finally gave up and commiserated by releasing a cover of Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' entitled 'Eat It'... (Roly Poly, Sandwich, UK)

Always look on the sunny side of the street!

After an age of discussing pipe diameters and lengths (150m) and all the old boys in the Water Board Phil came up with this:

Major Discussion Points:

1. Cwmoernant Res

2. Roman Resevoirs of the 1st Century B.C.

3. Roman Resevoirs of the 2nd Century A.D.

4. Compare and Contrast points 2 and 3.

5. Cwm Tawel Water Works (just passed the timber yard)

6. Capel Dewi Plant

7. Bryngwyn H.Q.

8. Cost of 10mm pipes

9. Harmony 3rds and 5ths

10. Shamonci bass lines

NORTH CORNELLY - OCTOBER GIG

OCTOBER GIG

Live Music

The Two Fat Cyclist will be appearing live at the Llanmiloe Gala Day, Llanmiloe Social Club next Saturday August 20th between 4 and 6.30 p.m. Songs galore in aid of Canolfan Plant Sir Gar.

Recording at the D-SYS sound solutions studio in Carmarthen. The Two Fat Cyclists are pictured warbling classically some old timey songs in the best possible fashion.

Hopefully when they play live next people will be very drunk.

Phil is seen crooning one out in his own inimitable style.

Classic tale of a groom running out on his wife with her best friend - Drive By Truckers - My Sweet Annette

Whiskey In My Whiskey - miserable song by the Felice Brothers, about a man who accidentally puts some whiskey in his already full glass of whiskey. He then dances uncontrollably and falls in love with his shadow. It all happened in 1844.

Codeine or 3-methylmorphine (a natural isomer of methylated morphine, the other being the semi-synthetic 6-methylmorphine) is anopiate used for its analgesic, antitussive, and antidiarrheal properties. Codeine is the second-most predominant alkaloid in opium, at up to 3 percent; it is much more prevalent in the Iranian poppy (Papaver bractreatum), and codeine is extracted from this species in some places although the below-mentioned morphine methylation process is still much more common. It is considered the prototype of the weak to midrange opioids. It is also a song by Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit.

Decisions

Debating what songs to record. Leapy Lee's 'Little Arrows'!

Slim Francis goes recording at D-Sys Sound Solutions, Carmarthen www.D-SYS.co.uk

Gig Announcement

The Green Acres, North Cornelly - Oct 22nd - UNCLE LYNDON AND THE TWO FAT CYCLISTS

New mobile PA system for the TFC - Chicago here we come..

The TFC travelled to deepest Solihull yesterday to purchase a new lightweight, portable PA system for future gigs and also our Chicago to New York cycle and gig fest next March.
The Bear was keen to purchase a new PA and was looking at a brand new Fender Passport system which all locks together, weighs and is the same size as a family suitcase. However the new ones were retailing for around £875. Porkpie suggests a search of Ebay and lo and behold, a 500 watt version in mint condition is up for sale and after a short bidding war goes to us for just £275.






The bidding over on Friday afternoon and the TFC and on the road at 6.30am Saturday morning to collect the system off Fatima who is in the middle of Ramadam, or as The bear refers to it, Rama-lam-a Ding-dong.

We arrive at 9.15am and ask to try out the kit which fails to power up.

With shaky hands the fuse in the plug is changed, followed by a second kettle power lead but no joy. We're gutted and are about to leave for the long journey home PA less when Edwardakis says with his best cheepo Wilkinsons reading glasses on the end of his nose "what's this? is it a fuse? I can't see". A seperate fuse in the kit is located along with its spare which I change over and BINGO we're on. it works and its loud.

Edwards get his girly-man purse out and money changes hands and we're back in the car heading back to S Wales with our new touring PA on the back seat with thoughts turning to gigs in Chicago and the Big Apple.

Phil Porkpie Jenkins

BLOG VIEWS

Since we started this blog which is a couple of years now - 2491 visits - thanks

Constant Sorrow

Back Down South

My Sweet Annette

Wisgi in my wisgi

Wagon Wheel - Caffi Iechyd Dda

Epiphany?

Blast from the Past

'Betty' a Dawes 531, re-discovered in a barn in Meadow View, upper Pendine is hitting the tarmacadam again. The hand built was bought in the late 80s from John Antoniazzi, County Cycles, Swansea Road, Llanelli.

Comfortably heavy, a classic of its time. Past on through generations of great magic mountain men of Marros it now lies in the poetic hands of Mr Kieran Owen. On being handed the bike at a ritualized blood letting ceremony at an unknown venue close to the Green Bridge Inn, the new owner uttered the immortal words, 'that's the ship's biscuit'. The ritual continued, blood was spilt, the frame blessed. After the baptism of the first ride - the famous twice round the triangle the new charge has now been christened 'La Bella'.

Like a sword and a shield 'La Bella' will not be owned by any one individual - she will be passed from hand to hand, generation to generation.

Kieran is seen below with his new charge after visiting the church at Llansadurnen . Inshallah.

: PEMBROKE TODAY :

: PEMBROKE TODAY :: "Sir,
I am a patron of The Tin Shed Experience, the World War 2 Museum in Laugharne, which is very keen to establish contact with anyone with memories, photographs or memorabilia of the US Army in Wales and in particular the 28th Infantry Division (Pennsylvania National Guard) stationed in Tenby between October 1943 and May 1944.
They are also desperate for mannequins for uniforms and period costume for a forthcoming exhibition.

Kelvin Thomas,

11 Summerhill,
Stepaside,
Narberth."

Two Fat Cyclists play Caffi Iechyd Dda

Phil and Andy will be playing at the open mic sesion at Caffi Iechyd Dda this Thursday,July 28th 6.30 and on. Playing 3 or 4 numbers if we're lucky! Kieran Owen and his mate Matthew will also be doing a couple of numbers and Ian Jones and his ex-babysitter will be taking time out from recording at John Rum's Studio to entertain us with a few numbers. There will be a host of other people there aswell I'm sure.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001150986508

Quarter Master is leaping overboard!

A banjo on my knee

Just Giving Account

C2C USA March 2009

Trying to Get a Tune out of a Flat Daffodil

Houston We Have a Problem

10 Great Places for City Cycling - ABC News

CHICAGO

10 Great Places for City Cycling - ABC News: "Former mayor and cyclist Richard M. Daley led the charge to make Chicago a bike-friendly metropolis, reports Cutler, a city native. It has 12,000 public bike racks and 141 miles of marked, on-street lanes. A classic ride links Lake Michigan's lakefront parks, but there are also suburban surprises, like the 32-mile Fox River Trail. Riders can bring their bike aboard Metra trains, allowing them to start in one city and end in another, returning to the city by rail. 312-744-2400; explorechicago.org"

10 Great Places for City Cycling - ABC News

10 Great Places for City Cycling - ABC News:

New York

Cutler says cycling is booming in her home city, with New York nearly doubling its cycling lanes to 400 miles in the last five years. 'There's a huge push to get people out on bikes,' she says. Perhaps the classic experience, though, is pedaling through Central Park, where the roads have separate bike lanes and are closed to cars outside rush hour. Other great rides: Hudson River Park on the west side of Manhattan, and Governors Island. 212-484-1200; nycgo.com"

Phat Cyclist plays away

One Fat Cyclist was found in a healthy eating cafe in Jackson's Lane without his usual fat sidekick.

Open Mic session at Caffi Iechyd Dda, Carmathen.

BREAKING NEWS: Bob the Builder spotted unshaven, bloated and 'attempting' to sing in new orleans dive bar!

New Orleans, Louisiana: The clean cut, trim children's entertainer, Mr Bob (the) Builder AKA Pork Pie Jenkins has shocked the World after photographs taken last weekend have emerged exposing the one-time poster boy as an overweight, scruffy, redneck blob. It has been reported that after experiencing initial fame and success with such hits as 'Can you fix it', Jenko disappeared into obscurity allegedly after a particularly bad performance at a cricket club in Llanelli several years ago. Audience members on that night are said to have been physically and mentally affected by what some have said was the "worst gig in Wales ever".

A source close to Porky Jenkies informed a Sunday tabloid in May that after many months of "binge eating, hardly any physical movement at all and talk of taking up darts professionally", Jellkins, now 57, was to clean up his act and join Slimmer's World. Things allegedly were looking up when Pork Pie, on a diet consisting of "eating as much dust and water biscuits as he liked", was named 'Slimmest of the Fatties' 9 weeks in a row.

Fans, friends and family will be saddened to now know how the rumours of the star getting back on track was in fact just that and clearly just a PR strategy. Dr. Andreas Edvards of The National Centre for Clinical Excellence has commented on the newly found photo (below). He says "It is very clear to me that the specimen we see here has clearly been living on a diet of saturated fat and peanuts".

One patron to the less than clean bar in downtown New Orleans exclaimed "My buddy told me it was Bob the Builder but I just didn't believe it! It looked like that guy had eaten Bob and dressed up like a Village people tribute act and his voice and guitar skills were dogshite".

So what now for the one time mega star? The question on everyone's lips is 'Can he fix it?'...

Finally, New Orleans Police Department have also confirmed a elderly gentleman with a Kenfig Hill accent was arrested at 4am this morning trying to break in McDonalds on East Side Drive for breakfast. Coincidence? No.

(Photos attached: Bob in his former glory and last nights photo)